The Path Not Taken

Yesterday I was melancholy. I even looked up the definition. I wasn’t depressed but I was sort of sad. Now today I am just happy. And you wouldn’t believe why. What tiny little thing brightened my day. Steve’s post about being unhappy is the same as being ungrateful. I am grateful for everything I have. I don’t have much, but I have more than enough. Can you say that about yourself?

I often wonder, as I think all of us do from time to time, what could have been. Where could I be. Am I happy here opposed to where I could have ended up. I have been at war with myself for sometime because not so long ago I could have made a very sharp turn in life and yet I chose this one. I chose to be a stay at home mom. A wife. A good girl. I don’t drink. I pay my bills. I love my kid’s unconditionally. But I could have been a mom of two. A wife to a much older man. I could maybe even of had a career. That made money. I wouldn’t be driving the mini van. I would have a decent wardrobe. I would have probably been a little more of a drinker. Would I have been happy? Would I have known what I was missing out on by not choosing this path I did in fact choose?

My war is this. The older man. I miss him. I miss things about him I do not have here with my hubby. And the thing is I don’t miss him in a sexual, soul mate kind of way. I miss him like I would miss a lost best friend. So much has happened since I last spoke to him and my debate is that it should be left as it is. I should move on. But then I think of the laughs we shared and the conversations we had. The way he paid attention to me. And I wish he were still in my life. We “got” each other, like best friends. Hubby and I? We don’t “get” each other, most of the time. I wouldn’t say he is my best friend and mean it. I don’t think he would say that of me. Somehow we just exist. I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it. But I love him and I want to be with him forever. We just don’t “get” each other. We are in fact like be freakin puzzle to the other. But how I wish I could just pick up the phone and say “Hey, how have you been?” and pick up as if there hadn’t been a gap. What if I imagine this to be a big giant fairy tale and in the end I get crushed? That would end it, right? I would then be able to move on and claim insanity.

So I am happy here in this world that I have created for myself. I am far from ungrateful. I just wish that sometimes two paths can run in a peaceful way together. But this is life now isn’t it. And life does not work like that. You pick the path and you barrel forward without looking back. I wish I could say I do it well!

*Tomorrow is WWC, the words are INANIMATE and YELLOW, if you want to play you can go see Tink for the official rules and regulations. 🙂