He tasted like Vicodin and heartbreak and I couldn’t get enough.

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Greener Goals

February 18, 2018

I am the definition of lost.

When I’m left in those moments where my brain is allowed to toss about my thoughts freely while I stare blankly at my surroundings I realize just how far off the path I have wandered. I’m so deep in the forest of fucked that I feel like I might never be able to find my way back to civilization again.

I understand now since some time has passed that my goal for tomorrow is and always will be me. Secondly that I have chosen love over money after much deliberation of how much easier it would be to pay my way with someone else’s money to sanity. As usual I choose the hard road.

I want to experience love but at the same time I want to love myself first and another second. I want to always have myself at the core of my life so when anything outside of that fails I will always have the security of my home. My rules, diet, bed, choices and beliefs. I don’t have that. I’ve always loved for someone else. Abided someone else’s rules. Bent to another’s demands.

Fuck that.

I’m tired of not getting enough sleep. Cooking things I don’t even want to eat. Not smoking because it doesn’t please someone else. Not enjoying a beer with my wings because someone is looking down their nose judging my choices. I want to hear notes of music float through my house and not have a voice in the back of my head worrying I’ll be heard or seen dancing awkwardly. I want to have the freedom to cover myself in ink. To read about odd topics. Cover pages in words of darkness when I’m sad.

I want to be free.

I want out of this cage.

I want love without boundaries.

I want to sit in the sun and not be bothered with questions and demands and responsibilities. To have even just one hour of the day to my thoughts.

I’m not asking to be relieved of the duties of life or the pains of troubles and problems. I just want to be able to say I enjoyed the rain and the mud of life.

Just once I’d like to be angry at someone and have them understand that I’m not angry at them for what they did ten minutes ago, I’m angry because of every time they did what they did ten minutes ago and they still haven’t learned.

When I’ve been pushed to the point of telling you to just shut the fuck up I want you to realize you have pushed me to the end of the earth.

When the answer to “where are you going?” is “Im looking for a place high enough to launch this car off of.” Maybe you need to stop pushing buttons. Maybe you should stop and use your pea brain to fucking think about what you’re doing.

Just once in your life consider the damage you are causing.

One day it will be too late and I will be gone.

Shift of Tides

January 23, 2018

I couldn’t be more miserable than I am now. Everyday I battle with my demons and each day they take away more and more of my soul. I’m tarnished. I’m broken. I’m filled with venom of a snake from hell itself.

I want peace.

I want to wake up and look forward to something.

I want to experience joy and love so passionate my heart explodes and rains down in tiny little droplets over the world around me.

I want to draw at the kitchen table over coffee and sit in the park with a ball of yarn the color of his eyes.

I want to dance as music floats like waves through my house filling me with warmth.

I want to find happiness in the bottom of a beer on a porch at dusk as the glow bugs stir in the freshly mown grass.

I want the melody of frogs to find me as I swing lazily at midnight.

I’ve been offered love with money and I chase love with a price.

I just want to be me. I sit here drowning everyday, wishing I had the guts to walk away from everything or the stomach to walk into the ocean and float till it takes my breath. It’s all within my reach teasing me and here I am.

Drowning with unlimited air.

Baby Blue Cliches

December 6, 2017

It’s not fair that you have no control in life over who walks into it unannounced and who doesn’t.

I wasn’t looking for someone to make my heart speed up and my stomach to drop. As much as I’d like to lose fifty pounds I wasn’t hoping to have someone take my appetite away. A song can play randomly and I think of him.

I push him away and he slips right back in effortlessly. I make amends with how I think it should be and it turns out it’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I rationalize with myself that this isn’t the way it is supposed to work. Time will set my mind free to realize that it’s all just a mirage.

At the end of the day though? I’m falling in love with him every time I look into his beautiful blue eyes.