A Windy Post

WordPress is being awfully difficult here recently. I was tapping out a post Sunday and
it was doing funky stuff and I ended up nixing it and moving on. Then last night I was
trying to add stuff to the WWC post and it kept trying to squeeze it in at the top. It’s
just a big ole mess.

Anyhow. I walked onto the living room the other day and there is my youngest scooting across the floor as though he were swimming. Why? Because Dora told him to. What else will he do that Dora tells him to do? It would be useful for things like brushing his teeth. I would put a TV in the bathroom if it meant that when Dora said, “Brush your teeth! Brush your teeth! Up and down, up and down!” he would do it without delay. I dream.

 

I had a rough day yesterday. Top priority in my mind was what was I going to send out for my bloggy games present. As I was mulling that over I also had the WWC competing for top priority. When I have two things competing in my list of priorities I find it hard to think clearly about any of them. So I took care of the bloggy games present and out popped the WWC a short while later. Now that doesn’t sound all that rough I know but I was also having one of those days where little tiny things would pop out at me and bring instant tears to my eyes. My mother had no idea that the mere mention of Grandma at last year’s Thanksgiving sent me into emotional overload. It took every ounce of control I had to contain my composure. She won’t be there this year. I won’t have to make sure that there is food for her to eat. I always made sure that there were mashed potatoes and a veggie cooked almost to a pulp. Then there had to be that one special thing that she only got for special occasions, like pumpkin pie or sugar cookies. That she could chew. But that weight is no longer on my shoulders and I miss it. Then as I was trying to clean the kitchen and I found some cards from the kid’s birthday last summer, they were from Grandma. I bought them for her and got them all ready for her to give. But the worst thing and the funniest is the damn toaster. I promised my neighbor he could have my toaster oven but I could not bring myself to drag grandma’s toaster, it’s replacement, up from the basement. Well today I went down and got it and plugged it in and then decided I wanted it somewhere else. When I moved it crumbs fell out on the freshly washed counter top and I about went into hysterics. My immediate thought was, “Those are her crumbs. Those are Grandma’s crumbs.” Isn’t it crazy how someone dies and they are still here in a way?

I don’t think anyone around me realizes how hard I have taken her death. I relive those last few days sometimes and I wish I would have told her to not have the surgery. I wish I wouldn’t have, but I know it was best for her. I wish I would have been there the day she died. I still beat myself up because she died 10 minutes before I got there. I could have driven faster. I could have been there sooner. I didn’t have to go in the house and make sure all the kid’s were settled, it only took five minutes but that was enough to miss one of the most important times of my life. My best friend died and I couldn’t be there in time.
I know none of it can be changed and I just have to live with the crumbs now. I know I didn’t do anything particularly wrong. But I miss her so much. She was my best friend. A ninety year old woman was my best friend. She made me laugh. She gave me something else to worry about. She made my day everytime I was with her.

My daughter wants to see the grave site. She’s curious and I promised I would take her. But I can’t bring myself to go. I drive by it sometimes and I can barely glance in the direction. I want it to be a positive experience for her but I just don’t trust myself to hold it together. I can’t go.

Pardon me. I’m just having a moment here. If you read the whole thing then bless you. It’s late, or early depending how you look at it, I’m literally sick and tired. Tomorrow, or taody rather, will be a better day. Unless I don’t get some sleep. In that case I’ll just have to refrain from having any toast.

🙂

Happy Birthday!

 

 

Today 13 years ago I was no longer ten months pregnant. After around 18 hours of labor, much of it hard and awful I was holding a beautiful 8lb 9oz tiny little boy. I became a mom. By far I would say this young man was the hardest of all of them to carry and to deliver. But he has been a dream to raise. He’s had his up’s and down’s just like the rest of them but in his heart he is a great kid. He’s going to make many lifelong friends and though I hate to admit it he will make someone a fine partner one day. I hate to think of that day sometimes because I will have to share him a whole lot more than I already share him now. One of my favorite times of his life was when he was about two and his dad was taunting him and he marched around the room saying, “No boogey man mommy.” He was so sure of it and and he could not be swayed. So cute, pointing his finger. Smarter than the old man then and still is. (I had to fit that in you know?) Then there was a darker time when he stole a protractor from his second grade teacher. I still don’t understand it but I told him if he really wanted one that I would have bought him one of his own. He didn’t have to steal it! But as far as we know he has walked the straight and narrow since then. Then when grandma died he found his way to her obituary online and let a message that he missed her. He didn’t tell a soul and I never mentioned it. But that was sweet. He has a golden heart.

 

 

 

*sigh*

 

The fun has just begun, hasn’t it?

A Quiz for You!

Tonight at bedtime the twins discussed how many kids they were going to have. The little mommy decided on one, maybe three. The big guy wants, are you sitting down, 17. I had to snicker. I hope he makes the money he needs to raise 17 children! *L* They also discussed names. Eric, Matthew, Erica, Poop, Butthead and the best one was Penis.

I love my kids!

I have spent in less than a week $25 ish on milk. That got me to thinking. I want you to tell me in the comments what it cost in your world to buy milk, bread or eggs. Basics that sell everywhere. Gas. A little experiment. Come on now, humor me!

Sick in the Head and then Some

 

 

 

 

I have been down with Pneumonia for the last few weeks. I am finally feeling better but I have lost some zip. A little pizazz. I have had a serious case of depression. A kind of look at me from the outside and wonder “what the hell?” kind of depression. A “why do I even bother” kind of thing. There’s a hole inside and I don’t know what to fill it up with.

 

I don’t know where I am. I am having nightmares. The kind that keep you up all wide eyed and terrified. I haven’t been feeling myself and I am so frustrated with it. When I get this heavy into the wallowing and pity I tend to become withdrawn. This weekend was the first I felt a little more myself and little less like Godzilla.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I’m sorry. I didn’t feel like blogging. I didn’t feel like talking. I felt guilty as hell though. Like time was ticking and I was wasting it. I hate that feeling. Like every minute you sit around wondering why you feel like such shit, you could be laughing and talking and enjoying life. But the whole time you feel like you have nothing to enjoy yet you know darn well you do. It really really sucks.

I debated deleting the whole blog. I debated just telling you I died. But I kept telling myself that it would pass and I would go back to see all of you and wonder what was I thinking. I have finally reached that point. It helped that some came to see where I was. That is why I need friends around, to yank me back when I start to slip. To help me realize that this is just a blip. That some have it worse. That I am wasting valuable time.

 

<

 

Or maybe I accidentally discovered the cure for depression. Dump an entire bottle of fabric softener down the basement steps and let the overpowering smell of lavender and vanilla send you into happy thoughts and light hearted goodness. Maybe you all should try it and see if it does anything for you. It makes your rags real soft after you clean it all up!

 

Life

It’s raining here today. I delivered the children to school in a torrential downpour. I wore my Adidas sandals with coordinating pants, for the knit pickers, and it was an awesome feeling. Walking through the parking lot of the school was like walking the surf of the ocean. It was chilling yet calming. The rush of current through my toes and the pelting sound on my rain jacket, I could walk through that everyday and never tire of it.

But as I arrived home I became overwhelmed with the thoughts that my little people were going to go to school for a very long time. It’s like I reenter our home in the morning and it is void of something. I miss the fighting and the “Mama!!” at least once every half hour. I miss them stomping up and down the steps. I miss the endless giggles.

It’s too quiet.

My little birds are off learning about nursery rhymes and the alphabet and I am here. The little guy and I are not sure what to make of it all. What do we do with ourselves? We wait. We wait for them to come home because I cannot function without them. My ways of life have been disrupted again. I am trying to figure out how to become accustomed to this period in every day where I have time to do something extra. I am held back with the waiting. The wondering. The missing.

I am doing way better with this whole school thing than I thought I would. I didn’t even cry the first day although I thought about it. But with Grandma dying that very week I think I possibly was all cried out. I still think of her every day and yesterday it hit me in a moment of clarity. She is gone forever. I can’t grasp it. I think it, say it, choose to believe it. Yet I don’t get it. How can someone be gone forever? It is just so final.

The rain is calming and refreshing and cleansing yet it still holds a tiny bit of sadness. That is what life is all about, isn’t it? You have to have a little bit of the bad stuff too.